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light_nymph [userpic]

(no subject)

December 22nd, 2007 (08:30 am)

I had hoped that somewhere along the way I would find myself, but my quest for perfection led me even further from the truth inside me. To myself I have become a mere illusion, my entire essence was reduced to a few faith words echoing in my mind drowned by my powerful obsession.
Open you heart and love will save you. I've outgrown bed time stories long ago.

light_nymph [userpic]

Me...

December 15th, 2007 (12:22 pm)

Age: 17.  18 in one moth. I feel old, but I can finally get my divers license! When ever I feel sad I fantasize driving off into the night.
Height: 1.55 m
Weight: 42.5kg
Highest Weight: 47kg
Lowest Weight: 42.5kg- now
Goal Weight: not sure... 40kg i guess. when i'll look perfect...

Favorite Food: dark chocolate

Favorite Drink: tea... chilli tea and choco
Favorite Exercise: crunches, running, pilates, dancing, ice skating and my love-gymnastics
Thinspo: A few ultra skinny gorgeous looking celebs.
Where Do You Slip Up? When I'm happy! damn it... i stop torturing myself for a moment and i eat. I also eat to make other people happy.... :|
When Did It Start? I can't tell... I've been dieting all my life...
Why Did It Start? family problems... when I am depressed I can't eat. You eat to survive.. but if u lose the will to live it would be hypocritical to eat. and also... i just couldn't accept my body. why have flaws when you can do something about it?
Does Anyone Know? No.. my boyfriend knows i like extreme dieting all the time and i don't eat for days... but he respects my decisions and helps me when i need help... he doesn't really know anything about anorexia or that my behavior could be the indicator of a disorder... he doesn't think it can hurt me so he's cool. I love him more for that.
Do You Want Help? No. But sometimes... I just wish somebody would offer to help... just offer... it would mean a lot to me.
Do You Take Diet Pills? i did take something mild but i couldn't sleep, and it didn't work... i was actually at my highest...
Favorite Binge Food: pasta,  cheese,chocolate,  nachos...
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? between 200-500 but if i go over i always stay lower than 800…
What Tips Do You Use To Loose Weight? I can do anything. I just have to prove it to myself everyday.
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? An imperfect person.
Are You In A Relationship? yea and have been for 2 year now...
If So, Do They Pressure You To Be Thin? No, he loves me no matter what... and that annoy actually  me. it makes me feel like he could love any ugly fat girl... of course he would only love such a girl if i was like that... but!!!! i wish he made me feel like i deserve his love for what i am.
Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends? i feel like i'm the fat one... i kinda am the thin one, but my friends are taller... and they look skinnier...i know they aren't.. but they just look like they are. to me at least. ( 2 of my best friends are models. that's horrible for me!)
Are You Depressed? I always think I'm not, but then for a fleeting moment i'm so happy that i see how dark it all was before. then i'm back to square one.
Do You Self Harm? No. And I couldn't. I love my body. That's why I want it to be perfect!!! But i wouldn't hurt it. except for the necessary pain (like exercising and hunger)
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide? No, I couldn’t do that.
Ever Been To A Psychologist? No. I don't like talking to strangers. :))
Favorite Songs: Don’t have a favorite.

Common feeling?: fear. fear of being rejected, fear of saying something stupid, of not being liked, of being judged.
When will you be happy? When I'm perfect. If I'm not perfect I don't deserve to be happy!
Recurrent dream: I dreamed this beautiful stone garden half flouting, half submerged. In my dream I'm always wandering around there...I wish you could see it. Only water, stone and green vegetation. pure. And in my dream i'm pure. there are these stone structures, like cubicles, submerged at different levels, dry inside, like small rooms. on flat stones at water level create paths from one cubicle to another. other stones support stone statutes partly covers in moss and bonsai-like trees... All structures are coming our of the water. It's really beautiful and hard to explain. And that's all that is. No land in sight. And the water is perfectly still and clear. If you look through it you can see other stone structures under water, other statues, and under water trees...
What do you believe in? I believe in myself and in man's capability to better himself. and i believe I can do anything.

light_nymph [userpic]

Random thoughts

December 11th, 2007 (10:13 pm)

Isn't it strange that man has a uncontrollable need to define his feelings...I found that you need to teach a person what love is, what fear it... for them to truly feel it... Have I ever loved? well... define love and I'll tell you if I have... But what difference do a few words make?Will they change in any way what we feel.. how we react and interact? why do we have to tell each other feelings that can't be put into words... that should be beyond words...we draw unworthy sketches of images that are beyond reproduction. we ruin the purest concepts with second grade definitions that fail to capture the essence but succeed in  denigrating the true meaning. Why do we ruin love by saying it's when you want to fuck someone?
We can see what we can not touch and we can feel what we can not see yet we are oblivious to the truths inside ourselves... We know our potential, but not our limits. We don't even try to get near them. We live out lives like we're supposed to, like everybody does because it's easier than to ask questions. But doesn't that make us ignorant? Isn't our power within capable of exceeding every expectation? Can we not surprise ourselves and our judges? And why... why am i my harshest judge? do they fear they'll have to judge themselves in the same manner they judge me? Why are they afraid to tell me what I'm not capable of? Show me my limits and underline my errors ! I'll surpass my boundaries and rectify my wrongs. The more you tell me there is no such thing as a perfect person, the more motivated I am to prove you wrong. And I will... believe me,I will... Even if I kill myself by doing so. I will show them, I will show you: I can fly!

light_nymph [userpic]

Fantasies

December 1st, 2007 (09:43 am)

I sometimes day dream that I'm on a tropical deserted island with no people or food... Just some sort of bending machine that gives me the food I need to eat to be healthy and lose lots and lots of weight...It only drops me the amount of food I can eat one... at the times of day I should eat... So i don't think at all about calories and stuff... And the entire day I'm sunbathing, and swimming, exploring and running around... Just playing around on my own...

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